*Reminder: Every chronically ill or term%&$! ill person has their own perspective. This is mine and this does not represent the entire cancer community.
We have all participated in “grief tourism”, knowingly or unknowingly. Grief tourism is “someone who wants to hear a tragedy to gain prestige, attention, and/or to project a certain image”. @ohyoursotough- Chelsey Gomez.
In the early 2000’s, they were called attention whores. On Instagram in 2024, we call them “narcissists”. In the cancer community we call them grief tourists. For, “Is There Any Overtime?” I will call them Grief Spectators. Grief spectators are harmful because they dehumanize the person who is afflicted by the disease to make them a minor character in a plot. The audacity.
Examples of this (and things people said to me):
- “I have headaches all the time. Do you think I have a tumor?” I do not know. Consult your doctor. Please don’t ask the person with stage 4 cancer to do any additional emotional labor for you.
- People who follow my social media accounts and then un-follow when I am well. (That one still trips me up.)
- And the ultimate “I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me. You are so strong!” This is probably the repeat offender because it seems so harmless. I am very aware that I am currently living through a nightmare for most people. However my other option is death. So I don’t need pleasantries around my strength. I would argue most cancer patients would take being “weak” if that meant a cancer-free life.
Because I am a gem of a human and everyone should be allowed a couple fouls, I am going to give you three ways to clear the bench and not be a grief spectator.
- See me as a whole person. Celebrate my normal milestones. Give me space to discuss things that are not my diagnosis.
- Don’t personalize my situation. You don’t know what you would do. That is perfectly fine. Just say “I am sorry you are going through this.” Period.
- Set your personal boundaries. At the time of diagnosis, emotions are high and everyone is over-promising. Don’t do that. Be realistic and mindful of what you can contribute. Just don’t be a shallow person who uses a terrible situation for clout or entertainment.
My life is not a tragedy that people should feel comfortable to tune in like it’s March Madness.
Is there any overtime? Idk, but clear the bench of grief spectators.
MJ
indeed you are a gem 💎