*Sometimes it goes a little unhinged, so let’s begin…
Two years ago, I sat on a bad spotty, wi-fi Zoom call with my Neuro oncologist while he told me that I had stage 4 brain cancer (astrocytoma grade 4. )My first thought was “F%#k.” Quickly after that, I think I blacked out a little bit. I had this all-encompassing emotion that I couldn’t place.
Fast forward two years of cancer-dom and I am finally able to identify that emotion after I watched Gladiator II. There’s a spoiler at the end, so skip it if you need to. Before I speak about what I was feeling, I have to gush about this movie 1 & 2. The sporty spice in me, loves the Gladiator movies. The Coliseum was the OG sports venue. The Romans were originators of sport betting and created brand partners. They had “agents.” They engage athletes with politics. They put complex communication plans together for the media to announce a new talent. There was a charity aspect to the games and the opportunity for “generational wealth.” Me, me, me. This is my lane.
In the movie, there was a phrase that has stuck with me the last three week and it encompasses how I currently feel YEAR TWO of my term&%!* diagnosis.
“I chose rage. Rage is your gift.”- Macrinus.
As I examine that deeply, rage has kept me alive for the last two years. And while rage is typically a negative emotion that showcases out of control anger, if you can be utilized as a tool for surviving an impossible situation.
Rage propelled me to stay awake for my brain surgery, doing math equations, so Dr. G could take out %99 of my tumor. Rage sparked my ability to make myself sick for 12 months with chemo. Rage allows me to ignore my prognosis and makes me move when I want to be paralyzed with fear.
My rage is justified and I’m going to ride that chariot until I feel there is no hope. (Wow, cheesy.)
Here is the spoiler and the kicker:
Gladiator 1, the main character dies. (RIP Maximus)
Gladiator 2, he thrives.
I’m selfishly going to choose the second ending 🙂
TWO YEARS of survivorship. Complex emotions. I’ve seen two more birthdays, two more Christmases, two more years of baby cousins born, two more years of girls trips, two more years of work, two more years of Hinge dates, two more years of unlimited sporting events… I am extremely grateful even when the gratitude is heavy.
So, what is next? Well I get an MRI on Feb 10th to make sure my brain cancer isn’t being a little bitch, so I can rage a little more. Then when I recover from that trauma again, maybe plan a short trip. What do you think? Maybe Rome.
MJ