False Start

Disclaimer: I had an entirely different blog to post, but I’m going to keep it in the drafts.

I’ve been in limbo the past two weeks. I had a scheduled MRI with contrast on November 29. Then I had to wait until the 10th of December. I had a long work trip and checked my email at 4AM in the hotel bathroom and saw the hellish UCHealth Result email that put me into a tizzy. The initial report said that I had 3 new tumors on my scans and I took the first flight back to Denver and cried the entire way home. 

This morning I met with my neuro oncologist and he thinks that scans are showing lasting effects of radiation, so no tumors. He is giving me “clean(ish) scans.” However I am back at the 8-10 week scans for safety and peace of mind. “A win’s a win.” We will call it a false start. I’m not oblivious to reality, and I know that at some point there will be a recurrence but if this weekend told me anything it is that I have the best teammates in the world. If anything, I can’t die because I would let them down. 

People fed me, watched sports with me, called me about nonsense, showed me baby pictures, put me in group chats, and let me watch baking shows. It also prompted me to put more bullet points on my end-of-life plan. I know that a EOL plan for a 32 yo woman is tough to comprehend but it’s necessary. (I am about 20% done and it’s brutal to get through without hysterically crying.) Throughout the whole weekend, my family and friends covered all the bases. 

The false start has fueled even more gratitude this holiday season. I’m going to watch as many sports as my soul can handle. I’ll juggle as many Christmas commitments as possible. Bake cookies with my God babies. Let me Ma show me around like a show pony at her work holiday party. 

In American Football the penalty for a false start is 5 yards. Maybe this would translate to 5 more years without a recurrence. It’ll take it. A “win’s a win.” 

God Bless the False Start, 

MJ